Hated Love

Die, By my hands
For that will keep me sane
Your death will be
the end of my Pain

Diary of a Nice Guy

I've been branded a nice guy,
but you really dont know who I am
you think I'm so fuckin innocent
when I'm just a bad man

No more will I pretend to you
No more will I lie
No more will I back stab you
and be your shoulder to cry

I lie to you even when you care
coz I dont want your fuckin advice
I tell you what you'd like to hear
so I can plan my next disguise

I pretend to give all that I have,
so I can call you my friend
but I just want to use you,
all the way to the end

No more will I pretend to you
No more will I lie
No more will I back stab you
and be your shoulder to cry

I notice everything I'm doin
but i just cant stop myself
these lies I say deliver me from pain
and so I hate myself

I reminisce the times you made fun of me
even though it was just a joke
and this voice in my head tells me
one day I will humiliate this bloke

No more will I pretend to you
No more will I lie
No more will I back stab you
and be your shoulder to cry

and the nice guy that I am
I will not punish you on my own
I'll spread rumors about you
and then act like St. John

And now that you know me well
please dont leave me to die
curse me so I should rot in hell
but please be my friend, my guide.

Diary of a Nice Guy by Saptarshi Kar is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

When you need a shoulder to cry on...

"Friend". A zone that most guys are scared to be in when it comes to girls. Why? Because if you wish to court a girl being her closest friend is - sometimes - the worst move. And here's why. When you are in "The Zone", a girl will confide her deepest, darkest secrets to you. If you are not being told everything know that you are still a little farther from being there. And believe me you are better off being away from it all.

I know of a few guys who managed to woo the girls in spite of being in The Zone. Poor souls, their life was a mess... First the girl took a long time to agree that anything could ever happen between them, as in, a relationship.. of course all this time before that she would keep telling him about her crushes, her current and ex-relationships, guys she wanted to have, guys who wanted to court her etc.. making him burn in a slow fire of self loathing, hatred and love.. The fire of hatred and love... alas its one of those which doesnt just burn you.. it roasts ur balls, waxes ur body hair, gives u small cuts and puts salt on them whenever they are about to heal, gives u an itching worse than pox and makes u consume ur own shit, piss and puke... you get the picture.. anyway, so coming back to the topic.. so after facing all this for a while(read a minimum of 1-2 years depending on how persistant the guy has been coz the girl cudnt care less), some of them did manage to finally make it.... (dont even get me started on the ones who didnt make it.. lets just say.. they made it through life with the constant feeling of being a loser...).. So they are happy.. yay!!! finally she is mine.. i am so happy blah blah.. the courtship starts, the fire of hatred has now become the sweet smell of romance.. but wait.. the girl suddenly realizes that since he is now her slave(aka boyfriend) he can no longer be her friend.. coz she cant bitch about him to him.. you girls know wat I am talking about.. so she cant express her deepest desires to him anymore but rather now expects that he will somehow magically know it all just coz they have moved up their friendship to the next level.. WTF???? exactly the thing that the guy thinks.. cmon we are guys for god's sake not mind readers...

And so the sweet smell of love is nothing but an "icing" on the dung cake that lies underneath.. churning every day with the rot that both guy and girl face from each other and becoming smellier until love cant cover it no more.. and then it starts.. the girl finds a "friend", jealousy starts coz the guy's initial position of "friend" has now been taken and the guy fears that soon the other "friend" will take his current position.. The girl on the other hand thinks its just fine to replace the friend.. coz she thinks her guy is a mind reader.. "Ohh He'll understand that I need a new Best Friend"... wait a minute lady... New Best Friend??? ... chaos all around.. and all this among the numerous fights that the girl starts off saying that the guy is not the same anymore.. Cmon lady... u r the one who stopped sharing stuff with him.. He was always all ears.. true sometimes it can get real bad when u tell us guys that we are wrong but then at the end of the day the guy does understand coz he is not just your lover but also has been, until very recently, your "best friend"...

And then it happens.. The girl just says one day.. You know this is not working out so lets just be friends only.. Lets take a break.. And the guy goes back to "The Zone".. only this time the zone may not be completely his own.. coz there is one more "Fly" stuck in "The Web".. Some guys are however not that fortunate.. They go back to being best friends with the girl and back to "The
Fire".. But in spite of it all, the guy just tells the girl

"When you need a shoulder to cry on
Someone to rely on,
I am here for you " -- Firehouse

When the sun comes down...

Its not always a bright sunny day in life... But what happens when there is no day at all... What if the sun sets one day and never comes up again.. What if it becomes that unending long night that you have always dreaded... No no.. dont think you can sleep it out.. coz you may try that but the fact is that at some point of time you will have to wake up and then you will see the night..

So you think, ok this dude has lost it... he is probably depressed about something and so since he cant help himself, he is out there to ruin it for everyone... No my man... I am not just depressed about something or someone.. But it is that I am depressed about everything there is..

Ok, Life is not fair...But why dont people living the same life give a second chance to others.. Ok so life doesnt give a second chance, but why not us.. why dont we give to people, a chance to try and work it out... There are countless stories in history about people trying umpteen times before they succeed... But what if they never got the second chance.. Would these stories still be there then? You ask for a second chance and you are treated by the "I am sorry but I gave you enough time to prove your point".. Why? why is it not like life in this case... what is the harm in letting someone try.. He is not asking you to pay the price for it.. All he wants is that you give him a chance to keep trying.. People have this wrong notion that by refusing someone a chance they are pointing him to the right direction.. But why dont they understand that for a failed person with a conscience getting his act right is the only final goal?? That no matter which direction he is pointed to it will always play on the back of his mind that he failed in one aspect of life and never got to prove his point that he could have worked it out...

"May be its not what you are meant to do".. hah!!!! There is nothing that a human is not meant to do... For God's sake, a human is meant to be able to do everything there is.. That is why he is a human and not a duck... "May be God didnt want you to become this way".. What BS.... God is not the one who wants us to become or not.. We are.. So if we have chosen our path this way then let it be and give someone the chance to do it all again... Who knows.. with two (or more chances) he may be able to cure cancer!!! When we fail to get some result in a lab do we say that may be we are not supposed to do this.. Do we say ok so I was lazy and didnt work and so didnt get the result and so may be I should not be doing research at all... No... We say ok enough lazyness, let me try again...


But what use is this blog.. It will never reach the ears it was meant to reach... and I may never get my Second Chance.

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Here I go again...

Its been more than a year since my last post and a lot of water has gone down all the rivers in the world.. Here's a quick recap of what I have been up to all this while. I joined a particular university in Pennsylvania and have completed a year here. Another year to go now. Have made a lot of new friends, some of them being wolves in sheep's clothes while others being just sheep. Learned a lot, won a little, lost a lot but most importantly my vessel of experiences is getting filled with more and more pearls each day.. Did i just say pearls? Sometimes they seem more like perils coz with each learning experience I am beginning to fear the future even more. Its like the more you learn, the more cautious you become.. But then again if you dont learn then you will never have enough experience to see a more complete picture of the world as it truly is. (OMG here I go again)... So anyway, here I am, again sitting in my office (did I mention an out of this world internship that I am currently involved in)...

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The Wait

Its almost a year since i got my engineering degree. I decided not to take up a job because ok lets face it how much original and groundbreaking work is actually done in these "IT Giants" of India!!! Its basically about reinventing the wheel and working on outsourced stuff. Anyways, so having decided that I wouldnt waste myself like this (plus the fact that my grades werent too great) I decided to give studies one more shot and so gave the GRE and TOEFL.. With an almost below average score of 1250, people considered me bold enough (or rather crazy enough) when I applied to some of the top ranking universities in the US.. Well the boldness paid off and I now have the calls in my hand. Anyways, I received the calls in mid april and have to report in end August so I have a 4 month wait before I kickstart my student life again.. and its this period thats gonna kill me.. The "vhella" that I am, its gonna be pretty tough just to get myself motivated enough to do something constructive. Well I have infact laid out a plan of action. Am supposed to cover up some basics, do all shopping, talk to current students and profs, manage funds et al. Lets see how it works out. But one thing that is there is.... One Long Wait

Friend...

Sometimes I am forced to think about my genuineness as a friend. I have always been a friends person. By this I mean that I have always been with friends and rely on them and trust them even more than I trust my own family. But I feel I have not reciprocated in the right manner. People always wish the best for their friends. However I feel I have not always done this. In trying to be friends with everyone around me, I have accidentally hurt my existing friends through my irresponsible and thoughtless talks. On several instances I have quietly listened to derogatory statements being said about some of my good friends. However, although at those very moments I did feel a rush of anger, I didnt speak out. Something inside me didnt allow me to voice my opinion. I quietly listened through thus, in a way, supporting the opinion. Afterwards I have been full of remorse and hatred for myself but like they say a bullet once fired cannot be recalled and the same goes for words. Remorseful times call for desperate measures. So in a fit of anger I ended up hurting these new friends just to take revenge for what was said. But the irony is that inspite of my friends knowing about this behaviour of mine, they have always been there for me and supported me on numerous occasions. At first I thought that this was because of my computer skills and that people always wanted to be in my good books just so that they could extract work out of me for their personal gains. But, of late I have been forced to think otherwise. On numerous occasions my friends have made it clear to me that they like me for what I am. But that doesnt change the fact that I hate myself for being this way.

Testing Deepest Sender

Hmm.. Interesting extension... Just thought that I should now become a regular blogger and got this extension from the firefox site to enrich my blogging experience.. This will make it easier for me.. I can now blog the entire day but post it only at night when I connect to the net. Lemme see what other extensions are available on the firefox site.

Long Time.. No Write...

I'm back... hmm this was one long break. Actually thats the main problem of being in India. With broadband still being a novelty, the average Indian has to still depend on dialup or cybercafes and so doesnt get the time to use the internet for a purpose other than work/business. This may sound corny but cant help it guys. Actually there are only a few cities like Delhi, Mumbai and Bangalore (to name a few) , where broadband is truly affordable and worth getting. In all other places either its way too expensive or the service is worse than dialup. Anyways, I wont fill up my blog with that bull.... too much already goin around on that. well I'll sign off for now.. will be back in a short while to post some new development.