Friend...

Sometimes I am forced to think about my genuineness as a friend. I have always been a friends person. By this I mean that I have always been with friends and rely on them and trust them even more than I trust my own family. But I feel I have not reciprocated in the right manner. People always wish the best for their friends. However I feel I have not always done this. In trying to be friends with everyone around me, I have accidentally hurt my existing friends through my irresponsible and thoughtless talks. On several instances I have quietly listened to derogatory statements being said about some of my good friends. However, although at those very moments I did feel a rush of anger, I didnt speak out. Something inside me didnt allow me to voice my opinion. I quietly listened through thus, in a way, supporting the opinion. Afterwards I have been full of remorse and hatred for myself but like they say a bullet once fired cannot be recalled and the same goes for words. Remorseful times call for desperate measures. So in a fit of anger I ended up hurting these new friends just to take revenge for what was said. But the irony is that inspite of my friends knowing about this behaviour of mine, they have always been there for me and supported me on numerous occasions. At first I thought that this was because of my computer skills and that people always wanted to be in my good books just so that they could extract work out of me for their personal gains. But, of late I have been forced to think otherwise. On numerous occasions my friends have made it clear to me that they like me for what I am. But that doesnt change the fact that I hate myself for being this way.